The Aristocrats.

Learning the truth behind the joke “The Aristocrats” was far less funny and intriguing than the build up. I’m sure there is some sort of comedian lore that says I shouldn’t spill the beans, but I really don’t care. The whole idea behind “The Aristocrats” is to tell a joke about a man pitching a play to a theater director. The comedian telling the joke describes the play and ad libs this part to make it his or her own. The versions that I have heard are basically filth-ridden toilet humor that would make Larry Flint blush. The ending (and the name of the joke) is when the theater director asks for the name of the play, to which the guy pitching says “The Aristocrats.”



Hah, Hah. Real funny.



I never really liked the joke because while it could be mildly amusing, the format was pre-scripted, which made even the ad lib part decently predictable with most comedians. I prefer jokes that are a total surprise. I like humor that blazes new paths and makes a new mental connection where there was none before.



Nonetheless, I am in the minority. Society likes its high canned in heavy syrup. At the very least, nobody’s made enough noise about the collective dumbing in humor to really make a difference. Movies are no different. Movie executives even describe film concepts in terms of former ideas: “It’s like Die Hard meets Die Hard Two.” I think the situation comes from the fact that new ideas are difficult and risky. Why take the risk to see if something will connect when you can repeat whatever yukfest somebody originated before you?



Marketing through advertising is no different. Coming up with a new approach, strategy, concept or idea is tough. There’s all that cumbersome research to read. Then there’s the whole review of case study. Finally, you’ve got to connect the consumer insight with the strategy in a way that will keep prospects from turning the page or changing the channel.



That sounds a lot like hard work.



This wouldn’t be a truly great diatribe about advertising sequels if it was not itself a sequel. We examined the tried and true advertising archetypes before, and today’s installment adds new firepower to the advertising tactician’s arsenal of talking food, dancing girls and their midriffs and dumb-dumb dads with hot wives.



So bust out the can opener, because if you want to avoid the heavy lifting of working strategy into effective advertising you can also use a worn out old format that someone else tossed out years ago. Sure, it will smell a bit and be out of style, but look at the alternative- work. Yeah right. I mean, it’s like, martini time.



Relax advertising friends. Don’t get your $100 jeans that come pre-faded and pre-torn in a wad. We can help you maintain the needed time to write your screenplay. Just do what pretty much most ad people do these days and follow these easy formats.


Kids say the darndest things.

Does your product have nothing to say? Don’t worry; just get a kid to say it. It will be cuter and people will pay attention because we all love kids right?

Plus, is there anything cuter than a kid explaining Voice Over IP? Sure, you say that’s not cute, but the kid in you loves it.
There’s a spot out where Mom tells the kid that she wants new floors but doesn’t know how to ask Dad. The kid yells out “Dad, Mom wants new floors.”

In my version, the kid yells out “Dad, Mom needs to see a therapist to deal with her communication problems caused by her absentee father and oppositional defiant mother.” Now that’s funny.


The Monocle Popper

Every so often comes an ad that attempts to appeal to the jilted youth with some kind of set up of an imaginary old and oppressing regime. It’s like somewhere out there is a group of crusty old men driving around in an Xcaliber wearing top hats and they are all out to get us. Think Monopoly's Mr. Moneybags.



A great example of this was all those Taco Bell ads where a dude (even though he looked about 35) jumped the wall at a posh country club, sending the waspy members into an unbridled frenzy. My business partner, Tatarski, loves making fun of these ads, saying things like “My stars!” and then he pretends that his imaginary monocle has popped out and his top hat flew off with a puff of steam.



I secretly wish that the dude in the Taco Bell ad would jumped the wall only to be beaten unconscious with a 9 iron by a sauced up John Daly. My stars! Pop!



Unexplained Celebrity

In the ATL there is a billboard with a picture of a girl from Grey’s Anatomy. (I don’t watch the show so I don’t know which one she is. I think she’s McStupid.) Anyways, it’s her and a cell phone. No words. No explanation. Just her smiling and the phone. She’s not even smiling at the phone.



I thought it was a mistake until I saw the same thing in a print ad. I then I saw it twice by a competitor, but this time with Catherine Zeta Jones and Harry Connick, Jr. Again no explanation, just the celebrity and occasionally, a picture of the product.



Is there some magic power about celebrities that their unexplained presence causes a product to connect with a consumer? “Oh look, a cell phone– wait, is that McStupid? I just gotta have that phone!”



If it turns out that this theory is successful, I am going to start sending all my newsletters with pictures of The Captain and Tennille with the hope that the sheer power of their celebrity will make the words go that much further.

Customer Cam 2.1

I guess after hearing, “A 12-year-old could create better advertising than that!” about a thousand times, some agency somewhere agreed and handed the keys to the creative to the customer. So now we have the customer cam, or better recognized in one of its more horrid forms as the Krystal Cam. The premise is the Krystal Cam tractor trailer pulls up in college towns where college students wax on about their beloved Krystal adventures. They rarely mention value (a key attribute) or convenience (another key attribute). They simply blab on about how cool Krystal is (untrue)interspersed with bubbling about things like how they stay fit on the Krystal diet (also untrue) and college infidelity.



The peddlers of this type of advertising swear it is some mutation of word-of-mouth advertising. Newsflash: its not. It’s unfunny drivel reminding people how stupid they look on TV. This fable has been repeated and offered to clients in substitution of a coherent strategy. While the production crew might have had a blast taking Jaeger bombs with the Kappas at Auburn, the resulting spots are nothing but a hangover.



Zaxby’s tried the same technique, only with slightly less thought. In that ad consumers disgustingly sip and slurp through a plate of food while describing how good it is. Then a voice-over chimes in and says, “Indescribably good.”

What just happened? You had people describe something to you then say is indescribable. But you described it.

The whole effect of the spots is indescribably dumb.


I Believe in Believing in Believing

My realtor is nothing like the class act realtor I see on TV. That guy on TV has got it together. He believes in values that transcend the everyday. He knows what I want to achieve and he has specialized marketing insight when it comes to typing my information into MLS that goes well beyond the ordinary. He has to. If he didn’t, he would wear the yellow jacket. He said so himself.



The declining popularity of the televangelist has been replaced with the peddling performance coach. The spots consist of some big words and a synthesized orchestral build up. At first these spots seem pretty convincing, but in the end you still get the washed up old agent that smells like smoky potpourri.

The Discerning Lifestyle

I’ve always had a thing for lifestyle ads. It’s the soft spot in my recycle bin. And every week Maura and I get a kick out of the ads telling me I am the type of man who knows what I want, and that’s why I’ll invest in gold. Real estate is a great purveyor of the discerning lifestyle with an often humorous twist.



While many of the ads for high priced communities are aimed at discerning customers, the people creating the marketing materials seem to be far less. Example: down the street from me is a neighborhood called Putters, owing to the fact that they have a putting green. Okay. Cute. A little campy, but whatever floats your boat or finds your lost remote. Only problem is the golf club on their materials is not a putter, it’s a wedge. Don’t you think the person so incensed to buy in a community that has a putting green might know the difference? Apparently the marketer didn’t think so. Discerning indeed.



It’s not just them. Across from my office is a tower called Georgia Traditions. Their logo: a modified fleur-de-lis. Okay. Fine. But the fleur-de-lis is no Georgia tradition. It is mainly a French tradition and in this part of the South it is well known as a New Orleans Tradition. I guess the crescent moon and palm tree idea was already taken.


Insert punch line here

So a guy walks into a theater and says “I want to do a play.”

“What’s it about?” says the director.



“Well, I’m just going to piece it together from a bunch of other plays. It’ll have no real meaning or purpose except to spend a lot of other people’s money producing it.” “I don’t really know what I want to accomplish, but that doesn’t really matter”



“Why you must work in advertising,” says the theater director.



The man nods.



“Say, what’s the name of your play, my young advertising friend?”